


Veni, Vidi, Meun Latine Erat Terribilis

by Sashataakheru



Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Rome, Comforting, Confusion, Feeding, Fever Dreams, Gen, Gods, Hurt/Comfort, Latin, Recovery, Sorry Not Sorry, Terrible latin, Time Travel, Translation issues, care, have another weird AU, language issues, woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 08:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18961612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: Is it too much to ask to go for an aimless stroll in the woods without being thrown back into Ancient Rome?





	Veni, Vidi, Meun Latine Erat Terribilis

**Author's Note:**

> No one asked for this, but I wrote it anyway, bc honestly, [this is the most Virgo reason for time travel I have ever heard of](https://sashataakheru.dreamwidth.org/file/75939.png), jfc, Alex. XD [(sauce)](https://sashataakheru.dreamwidth.org/file/76169.jpg) Also I am never going to find another legit reason to get away with using my terrible Latin, so. :D

The woods were quiet today, possibly a little too quiet, but Alex didn't really notice that much. It took a while to realise that the silence was really the absence of birdsong, and _that_ was surprising, and perhaps a little concerning. That was also the point where Alex noticed the sky growing very dark, darker than it should be for the time of day, and the wind picked up quickly.  
  
There was nowhere to shelter, Alex knew that very well. He was about an hour away from anywhere useful. Instead, he walked against the wind, trying to find a tree hollow to hide in, which might provide some protection against the stinging, icy rain that had just started falling. The wind was driving the raindrops forwards like thousands of tiny little needles, and that made it worse.  
  
Alex's search was fruitless. There was nowhere to hide. The wind was howling now, and the rain had already soaked him through. And then, just as he was making a run for it through a clearing, something - perhaps the wind - abruptly lifted him up and launched him into the air with such speed he blacked out.  
  
The next thing he was aware of was falling hard onto something, and then there was just pain and confusion. He was aware of a horse neighing somewhere above him, but nothing really made sense.  
  
He passed out for a moment. Opened his eyes to see Greg's face staring down at him. Passed out again. Saw Roman soldiers - _Roman soldiers?!_ \- next time he opened his eyes. Felt them pick him up, place him on something, but by then the pain was too great and he blacked out.  
  


* * *

  
Alex heard voices first. He didn't understand what they were saying. It all just sounded like gibberish to him. He was lying somewhere, he assumed, as he slowly became more aware of the solid form of his body. Someone was holding his hand, he could feel the gentle sensation of a thumb caressing his skin, and it felt strangely comforting.  
  
He wasn't aware of how much time had passed before he felt strong enough to open his eyes. The room he saw around him was... Well. It looked like a Roman temple, if he was being honest. Marble, columns, statues, and perhaps some inscriptions. In Latin. Fuck. The ceiling was highly decorated with images of gods and spirits. It was strange, and yet weirdly comforting. He knew this, even though it was so unfamiliar to him.  
  
"Greetings, stranger. I was wondering when you'd wake up. How do you feel?" said a voice from off to his side. Somewhere. Possibly whoever was holding his hand. He couldn't really move his neck to see who it was.  
  
Alex was surprised he understood him. He heard the Latin and his brain somehow translated it for him. The rest of his brain was frazzled. Replying to him, though, that was another question entirely. He couldn't find any words in his head, didn't know how to speak, didn't know what to even say. This was just a mad fever dream, right? Weird concussion? That was definitely it.  
  
"Can you understand me? You fell from the sky, stranger. Where do you come from? How did you get here?" the voice said.  
  
"I- _c_ - _cet_ \- no, _circ_ -..." Alex tried to wave his hands vaguely but his arms wouldn't move. He couldn't think of the word for 'wind' or 'storm'. The only word in his head was _stola_ , which was of no help to him at all.  
  
"Do you remember anything? What do you last remember seeing?" the voice said.  
  
Alex closed his eyes. All he could see were trees. Lots and lots of trees. What was the word for tree? _Abor_ - _arbor_ something. " _A_ - _abor_ - _is_ _multis_? Oh, no, that ... that's not right. I-I can't think of the right form. _Abores_? _S_ - _silva_? I don't know."  
  
Someone touched him then, resting a large hand on his forehead. "You've had a nasty fall, no wonder your head's so confused. It's a good thing you fell in front of my horse, or you'd have died on the road. The gods clearly brought you to me for a reason, so you just stay there and rest, and maybe you'll feel better in a few days."  
  
The weirdest thing, Alex suddenly realised, was that _he knew that voice_. That was Greg's voice. Specifically, that tender warm loving voice Greg used when he was comforting him. What the hell was Greg doing here? Surely he was in a coma, and this was all his strange imaginings. This wasn't real. This definitely wasn't real, was it? Greg didn't know Latin. What the hell was going on?  
  
" _O_ - _ostendes mi_ -... _mihi_ -" What was the word for 'face'? Alex couldn't think. " _F_ - _fasc_ -no, _faciem_ _t_ - _tu_? _tuam_. Yes. I think."  
  
"You want to see my face? Is that it?" the voice asked.  
  
" _Sic_ ," Alex remembered how to say 'yes', at least. And the more he spoke, the more awake he felt, though he was nowhere near well enough to move. His whole body felt stiff, as if he'd been bound down with ropes and couldn't move, though he couldn't actually feel anything holding him down, which was weird. At least he felt the words were coming a little easier, though he still thought his brain was just a foggy mess.  
  
A face appeared above him then, and Alex didn't want to believe that he was looking at Greg. Greg, wearing a gold wreath-like crown and a purple toga. Greg, smiling down at him. It couldn't be him. Surely it just looked like him. It wasn't really Greg, was it?  
  
" _E_ - _est tu_ -, no, _tibi_? Yes. _Est tibi_ , Greg?" Alex had to be sure.  
  
The man reached down to cup his cheek, as he shook his head sadly. "No, I'm sorry, I'm not the person you're looking for. I'm Marcus Valerius Ursus. Call me Valerius, if you like. Do you remember your name?"  
  
"Alex. Alex... _solum_ Alex." It seemed too hard to try to translate his name into Latin. Thnking of replies was hard enough.  
  
"Don't remember where you're from then? What's your family name? Do you remember anything, Alex?" Valerius said.  
  
" _No_ - _non in lingua tuam_ ," Alex said. He wasn't sure how well he was communicating. The words sounded so strange to say, and he'd never had to rely on his Latin exclusively before. Sure, he'd always dreamed of it, but now that it was happening, it wasn't as much fun as he'd always thought it would be. He knew he'd forgotten a lot, as well. And he could tell his pronunciations were off; that much was obvious when he heard Valerius talk. But he wasn't in any state to adjust his speech properly. " _Brittania a mi_."  
  
"Oh, you're British! You are a long way from home, aren't you? Do you remember where in Britain you came from?" Valerius said.  
  
God. Alex couldn't remember any of the old Roman city names in Britain, now that he was being called on to give one. Well, no, that wasn't strictly true. He could only remember one, and he hoped it existed. " _Londinium_? _Nihi_ -no, it's _nescio_. I don't remember the rest. Uh... _non memini cetera_ , I think."  
  
"I know what you mean, it's alright. I've been to Londinium, it's a nice city. But we're not in Londinium right now, you're in the city of Rome," Valerius said.  
  
Alex sighed. Of course he was in Rome. Where else would he be? "Uh, _ubi et Romae? Quis est?_ Sorry, I'm not very good at this."  
  
"You're at the imperial palace. I'm Augustus Valerius, emperor of Rome," Valerius said.  
  
" _Th-the Emperor!?_ Oh, no. I really am dreaming. This can't be real," Alex said, trying not to sound too hysterical.  
  
"I'll go fetch the doctor. He should probably take a look at you, now that you're awake. Maybe you can have some food, if he says you can sit up," Valerius said.  
  
Alex thought he murmured some kind of agreement, but he couldn't be sure. He was just tired, and his head was a mess, trying to grasp onto any shred of reality. Surely this was just a dream. He wasn't in the imperial palace, that wasn't the Emperor, and at some point, he would wake up, and everything would be back to normal. Right?  
  
Alex closed his eyes, felt the Emperor leave him, and wondered when he would wake up. That was a thing, right? He just had to force himself to wake up and he'd be fine. Everything would be back to normal.  
  


* * *

  
"Has he said anything? Do we know who he is yet?"  
  
"His name is Alex, and he's from Britain, possibly Londinium. He must be a native Britain, Latin appears to be his second language, but he clearly wasn't taught very well. He speaks like a peasant. But he seems fine, if rather confused about how he got here. Have the oracles returned any news about him yet?"  
  
"I'm a doctor, not a priest, why would I know that? The gods are your jurisdiction, not mine. But I'll take a look at him. Hopefully, there's nothing broken."  
  
Voices percolated through Alex's tired mind. He was sure he'd drifted off to sleep. He was probably concussed, at the very least. His head did hurt an awful lot. Did the Romans even know what concussion was? Would they know how to treat it? Alex wasn't sure even _he_ knew how to treat it.  
  
And then someone gently slapped his face and he opened his eyes to see Tim Key staring down at him, also wearing a toga, with a concerned look on his face. But that probably wasn't Tim either, was it? It was probably just some other person. His brain couldn't make up faces, so it was just filling in these strangers with the faces of people he did know. That's what was happening, right?  
  
"Hello, Alex, are you still with us? Do you understand me? Can you speak?" the doctor said.  
  
"Er, _sa-salve? Quis est?_ " Alex said, needing to know.  
  
"I'm Antimius, I'm a doctor. Well, I'm the Emperor's doctor. You're in safe hands with me, Alex. How are you feeling? Good? Bad? What hurts? Everything?" Antimius said.  
  
Alex closed his eyes, tried to think of the right words. " _C-caput_ , neck, what's neck? _C_ -... _c_ -something." Alex tried to move his arms again and this time, he was able to raise his arm and point to his neck. " _Qui unum_."  
  
" _Collum_. Right. Your neck hurts. And your head. Alright. Anywhere else?" Antimius said.  
  
" _Spina_. Is that spine? Back? I don't know. I never learnt the anatomy words very well," Alex said.  
  
"Well, yes, I was expecting your back to hurt, you did fall onto it. Here, let me turn you over so I can make sure nothing's broken. Is that alright?" Antimius said.  
  
" _Sic_."  
  
Alex closed his eyes and breathed as the doctor and the Emperor gently lifted him up and turned him onto his stomach. This was when he realised he wasn't wearing the clothes he'd been wearing in the woods, and was now in some sort of tunic that seemed to go down to his knees and was belted around his waist. The fabric was soft, perhaps linen? but it had a slight roughness to it that he wasn't used to at all. It felt very strange against his skin.  
  
Everything hurt all over again, now that he'd been moved, but then the doctor started gently pressing his fingers down his spine, and he was relieved to find nothing broken. He was sure he wouldn't be able to move if he'd broken his spine. The doctor checked his neck too, and seemed to do some sort of adjustment to it, and there was a moment of sharp pain before it began to fade away.  
  
"Does that feel any better?" Antimius said.  
  
" _Sic, ego sentire multo melius_ ," Alex said, because he did feel much better. His head was beginning to clear now. Had he really just twinged his neck or something? Was that just a pinched nerve? Jesus. But he wasn't about to complain. He liked not being in pain. But to think he'd spent so long recovering from a pinched nerve, as if he'd been concussed, well, he wasn't sure what to make of any of that.  
  
"I thought so. Come on, let's get you sitting up, and see how you react to that. Gently now, just gently, don't rush, you've been lying down for three days," Antimius said.  
  
"That sounds about right," Alex muttered as he tried to make himself sit up. His body felt quite weak, like there was no strength in his arms to move him. Before he could try again, Valerius gently lifted him up and helped him sit up, keeping an arm on his back to give him some extra support.  
  
Sitting up was... dizzying. He closed his eyes for a moment, felt Valerius hold him a little firmer, and then there was the doctor telling him just to breathe deeply, and he did.  
  
"Bit much, hey? I was wondering about that. Are you hungry at all? I imagine you must be," Antimius said.  
  
Alex didn't realise how hungry he was until he was sitting up. All the effort he'd used up moving had used up what little energy he had left, and now he was famished. He nodded, suddenly felt faint, and nearly collapsed, if Valerius hadn't taken hold of him, pulling him right against his body to stop him falling over and hurting himself further.  
  
"Take it easy, that's right, Alex, just hang on, you'll be alright. Go get him some of that broth, he needs something now," Valerius said.  
  
Alex was sure he passed out for a moment, but then he felt a bowl - a shallow saucer? one of those feasting dishes, perhaps, though he couldn't remember the right word for them - being pressed to his lips, and Valerius slowly encouraging him to open his mouth just a little so he could drink.  
  
"Little sips, Alex, just little ones, don't drink it too quickly, this will make you feel much better. When you can drink on your own, then we'll get you on solid food again," Valerius said.  
  
Alex obeyed, taking little sips as Valerius requested. Following his orders was all he was capable of doing now. The broth itself was hot, perhaps made of beef stock, with nothing but flavours in it that he couldn't identify. Herbs, perhaps. But it was salty and soothing in all the right ways, and he did begin to feel a little better now.  
  
"That's right, Alex, take your time, do you feel any better yet?" Valerius said.  
  
Alex managed to nod. This whole situation was so strange. He could understand them perfectly well, but they didn't seem to understand him unless he spoke Latin. At least he could feel it sort of coming back to him, because his understanding wasn't like some universal translator where all he heard was English. No, he heard the Latin and his brain understood it, and it was forcing his brain to adapt.  
  
He sat there with them for, well, for a long time. They did most of the talking, Alex did his best to join them while he got his head straight. He listened, and it helped him switch languages in his head. After a while, the doctor left once he was satisfied that he was going to be alright, and then it was just Alex and Valerius, who was slowly making him drink the broth and holding him tight, just like Greg would. In exactly the same ways Greg would.  
  
"You really do remind me of someone I know from back home. You look exactly like him," Alex said, feeling his brain switch languages almost effortlessly. The fog in his brain was almost gone, and finding the words he needed was easy. How his brain had adapted so fast, he didn't know, but he wasn't about to complain, because he could finally perhaps begin to enjoy this new experience and maybe improve his Latin.  
  
"Perhaps that's why the gods sent you to me. I wasn't expecting your Latin to improve either, but perhaps that was just your confused brain. Do you remember anything more about where you came from?" Valerius said.  
  
"I do, but I don't know if you'd understand. It's a bit ... weird," Alex said, not sure if he should actually tell the truth or not.  
  
Valerius looked intrigued. "Oh? How weird?"  
  
Alex looked at him for a while, trying to decide if he should say anything at all. He knew the tropes that time travel was a dangerous game. You shouldn't really say where you were from in case it fucked things up and you killed your grandparent and somehow also you. But he still wasn't entirely convinced this was time travel. It still felt very much like a fever dream. So perhaps even if he said he was from the future, it wouldn't matter.  
  
"I'm ... I'm from another time. A future time. Does that make sense to you?" Alex said.  
  
"A future time? What do you mean? How far into the future are you? Did the Fates send you to me to warn me of something? Are you a portend of what's to befall me?" Valerius said.  
  
"I really don't know. If the Fates did send me here, I don't know why you would need to know what happens two thousand years from now," Alex said.  
  
"Two thousand years? You have come a very long way, haven't you? Well. Perhaps the oracles will know why you are here and which gods speak for you. Then we can work out what to do with you," Valerius said.  
  
Alex didn't particularly like the sound of that, but he wasn't sure he had much choice. But Valerius was kind and kept him talking, telling him about the city and the gods. A lot of it was familiar, but a lot of it wasn't, and it was nice to just listen to him and pretend he was really listening to Greg as he slowly sipped the broth and felt his strength return to him.  
  


* * *

  
Three days passed. Alex found he had almost recovered, and had taken to walking about the palace gardens with the Emperor. There was no word yet from any of the temples about why he was there or who might have sent him here, but Alex wasn't worried about that. Gods were just as fictional as this place in his dreams, right? None of this was real. Gods weren't real, Greg wasn't a Roman emperor, he was just lying concussed in the forest, and that's where he was going to die. He was fine with that. If he had to die imagining he was back in ancient Rome, so be it. That would do.  
  


* * *

  
"The oracles have been proclaimed! Mercurius speaks for him!"  
  
Alex looked up to find the priests approaching. Their voices startled the birds he'd been watching, and they flew away. He'd almost managed to coax them to use the birdfeeder he'd set up, but all that was ruined now. He stood up, slightly annoyed, but also curious about what the gods might say about him. He certainly wasn't expecting Mercurius to claim him, but at least it wasn't a war god or something.  
  
Alex watched the priests approach the Emperor to give him this news, and he wondered what would happen to him now. Would they take him to the temple? What would Mercurius do with him anyway? He didn't know the first thing about worshipping gods. Valerius did seem pleased by this news though, and beckoned Alex to join him.  
  
"Come, my boy, it is a good day! Let's go to Mercurius's temple to see what he proclaims about you," Valerius said, wrapping an arm around Alex's shoulder.  
  
"Oh, sure, do I...? I don't need to do anything? I don't really know much about worshipping gods," Alex said.  
  
Valerius gave him a strange look. "Do you not worship in temples in the future? Do the gods not still have their dues? What happened to the Pax Romana?"  
  
Alex just shrugged. "I wish I was the one to explain that, but I can't. I don't know. It's too complicated. A lot happened."  
  
"And yet you know of our language, so we must survive somehow. Hmm. Perhaps that is why Mercurius claimed you. We shall see!" Valerius said.  
  


* * *

  
They made a procession to the temple, as it turned out. Alex wasn't really sure how much of this was necessary, but it was a nice distraction. It was weird to be carried through the streets with him, as if he was some kind of honoured guest, and seeing all the blank but slightly curious faces of the people around them who looked like they weren't quite sure what all the fuss was about. Alex thought better to ask about that.  
  
The temple itself was smaller than Alex was expecting. He couldn't remember if there actually had been a temple to Mercurius here, or if his fever brain was just filling in the gaps to make things coherent for him. The architecture looked fine though, from what Alex could see of it. A priest was waiting for them on the temple steps. Alex followed Valerius up the stairs to greet him.  
  
"This is the one?" the priest said.  
  
"Yes, this is him. What does Mercurius say about him?" Valerius said.  
  
The priest gestured for them to follow him inside. "Come, it is a strange prophecy indeed."  
  
Alex let the Emperor go in before him, though it didn't make much difference. He couldn't really see anything at all. The chamber was dark and lit with torches, but it seemed like the kind of place where you might meet gods, if they really existed. He wasn't sure the layout was really correct though, but perhaps that proved this was just his imagination. If this was real, this would look right, wouldn't it? Or had he just forgotten all the archaeology he learned because he was more interested in learning Latin instead? That was a distinct possibility that he couldn't completely rule out. There was a lot he'd forgotten that wasn't word-related.  
  
Alex was surprised to find himself in a cave now. When had that happened? He didn't really know. But the priest was offering a petition and there was a huge statue of Mercurius, standing on a giant's slain head as he flew towards the sky with his caduceus resting in his arm. Wait. Surely that was a Renaissance piece. Wasn't it? That, or this was some kind of parallel universe where this was an ancient statue after all, and that's why everything was so strange here.  
  
And then, that statue moved and the god stepped down and stood before them. He looked like he was about nine feet tall, but he glowed with golden light, and the priest and Valerius both bowed their heads to him. Alex, once he noticed this, did the same.  
  
"Ahh, here is the one who came on the storm winds. Thank you for bringing him to me. I will take care of him from here. You may go. I will return him to his proper place in the world," Mercurius said, and his voice boomed all around the cave.  
  
"As you wish," the priest murmured.  
  
Alex watched as he and Valerius backed away and left him there alone, in a dark cave, with a god. Or with the imaginings of a god. This definitely wasn't real. There was no way this was real.  
  
"It's real, Alex. You're a very long way from home," Mercurius said.  
  
Alex looked at him. He seemed ... very human. His hair was dark and curly, but short, and his eyes were a deep blue. There was mischief there, but also kindness. From what Alex remembered about him, he thought Mercurius was trustworthy. Perhaps. But he was all he had now, so perhaps there was nothing he could do about that if Mercurius wanted to mess with him.  
  
"So how exactly did I get here? What was that storm?" Alex said.  
  
"An anomaly that you happened to get caught up in. It happens from time to time. But you will come to no harm. I can return you to your own time," Mercurius said.  
  
"So this isn't a dream then?" Alex said, needing to know.  
  
"Why would this be a dream?" Mercurius opened his hand and a caduceus pendant appeared in his palm. He picked it up and placed it over Alex's head. "There, that ought to keep you safe. Come on, it's time to take you home."  
  
Alex, for a moment, wasn't sure he wanted to go home, but Mercurius seemed disinclined to stand around and answer his endless questions, so he took the hand he offered, and followed him as his world seemed to suddenly fill with blinding light and his body seemed to fade away.  
  


* * *

  
The clearing was calm now and peaceful, though there were a few fallen branches here and there. Alex looked down and saw that he was back in his own clothes, though the pendant was still around his neck. Mercurius stood beside him, a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"There you go. You might be an hour or so out, it's tricky when you're crossing universes to get it right. But it should be the same day. And it should be the right universe. I think. If it's still wrong, come back to this spot and call to me. That pendant will be a beacon for me," Mercurius said.  
  
"Oh, yes, thank you. I hope it's right. So that was all real then? I really went back in time?" Alex said.  
  
"It was all real. You're alive, and you're here, and if you look hard enough, you'll find the proof you need," Mercurius said. "Goodbye, Alex. Good luck."  
  
Alex was about to ask another question but Mercurius was gone. He was left standing in the clearing all alone, and the woods had never felt quite so empty before. The birds hadn't returned yet. He shivered at that thought and began to trek back through the woods.  
  
After a while, the sunlight returned, and with it, the birdsong. Alex warmed up, and he looked around for the proof Mercurius said he would find. He wasn't actually sure he would find it here, because if it was a parallel universe, why on earth would there be something here? But he decided he didn't understand any of this stuff well enough to argue against his point, so he just kept looking.  
  
There. Something glistened in the sunlight. Something metallic? Just over there by the base of a tree. On closer inspection, it was just a coin, and Alex almost left it behind because it was in such good condition and looked just like an ordinary penny. But when he took a closer look, there was Valerius' name and his head, and there was a caduceus on the other side. He'd seen the profile of Greg's head on the Taskmaster trophy too much not to recognise it when he saw it on the coin.  
  
"Well, at least I didn't lie about finding this one," Alex murmured as he pocketed the coin. "Though whether anyone believes me, that's another question entirely."  
  
To be fair, though, it did take him a week to switch his brain back to English, and even then, it was a bastardised Latin-English mess that really only made sense to him. But then, he would find himself staring at the caduceus pendant, because he hadn't taken it off yet, and somehow, that made it real. And if that was real, then Mercurius was real, and if Mercurius was real, then perhaps the other gods were real too. And he didn't know what to do with that thought, so he simply thanked Mercurius for his help, and left the pendant buried in the ground in the clearing and walked away.  
  
Mercurius noticed.


End file.
